Part Two: The Sufficiency of Christ! (1995-2006)

 

Dear Reader:  Adult issues are discussed in the following story and caution should be used when sharing this with younger people.  Care has been taken to present the information in as non-offensive a way as possible and many graphic details have been omitted.  

 The following was written with the hope of illustrating that: 1) life can be painful; 2) things don’t always work out the way in which we might desire; 3) placing our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ alone is the key to true happiness; and 4) even though others might disappoint or hurt us, His grace is sufficient to see us through even the most painful of times. 

 Please note:  The reader might find the first 6 pages rather tedious as they recount a lot of history leading up to the real point of the story.  However, I felt that a proper foundation should be built so that the reader would gain a fuller understanding of the impact of this incident in the life of this author.

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I always viewed marriage as a lifetime commitment.  Even prior to my conversion, my standards for marriage were very high and my personal moral standards regarding sexual intimacy were “Christian” in principal.  Some of those standards were formed by my parents and some were learned from observing life.  All of my adult life, I had listened to my married friends complain about how miserable they were and I spent many a night handing my girlfriends tissue after tissue, as they cried their eyes out from a broken heart.  I wanted none of that.

 The year 1995 brought many changes…not least of which was my miraculous conversion at the age of 35. (See “Irresistible Grace” for details)

 By the time I had reached the age of 35, I had yet to meet a man that I would want to spend the rest of my life with…a man that I would want to give myself to completely-heart, mind and body.  In addition to that, I didn’t have a great deal of respect for the way most men viewed women and/or relationships and never felt that I could totally trust a man with my whole heart, mind, and body.  Even prior to my conversion, I was not promiscuous for those very same reasons.

Then I met John.  He was 13 years my senior (48 when we met) and was kind, bright, and charming.  He had been raised Roman Catholic and was “born-again” at the age of 26 during the Catholic Charismatic Movement in 1972.  After his conversion, he spent several years in Southern California attending the Costa Mesa Bible College.  Prior to his conversion (in his early twenties) he had married twice.  Each marriage had been prompted by a pregnancy and both ended in divorce shortly after the child was born.  He hadn’t married since his conversion and felt that God had perhaps wanted it that way.  He supported both of his daughters financially throughout their adolescent years and had a close relationship with one of them via visits and letters.

 John had a master’s degree in social work and had started working in our office as a social worker in the Child Welfare Department.  I was an Office Automation Systems Coordinator and one of my tasks was to assist Social Workers with their computer problems.  I met John after he called in with a request for computer help.  I liked John right away.  We really clicked and he was attractive in an “Al Pacino” sort-of-way.  After our first meeting, he began to call quit frequently requesting help with his computer.  Each time I discovered that there was really nothing wrong with his computer; he just wanted an excuse to spend time with me.  I was flattered and enjoyed our visits.

 We would occasionally meet outside on break and talk.  I really began to look forward to those times.  We started meeting for morning break and afternoon break on a daily basis.  It was obvious to me that we were starting to develop strong feelings for one another.  He was very open about his past and shared many private things with me.  During this time, I started a list of questions on my commuter of things that I would eventually want to ask him (in the event that this relationship should start to move in a serious direction).  The questions were basically things that would help me to assess his character.  Most were hypothetical questions such as:

*      Let’s pretend that you had just detailed your car (inside and out) and picked me up for a day at the beach.  By the time we were ready to leave, it was cold, my shoes, socks and the bottom of my pants were wet and sandy.  Would you want me to remove my shoes and socks and make sure I shook the sand out of my pant cuffs before getting into your clean car—or—would you insist that I not worry about it?

 *      Let’s pretend that you are married.  Let’s pretend that your wife is mechanically gifted.  You decide to install a deadbolt in the front door.  After an hour or so, you can’t seem to get the darn thing to line-up correctly.  Would you allow your wife to give it a try or would you call a carpenter or locksmith to help you finish the job?

 *      Let’s pretend that you are married and you just purchased a very expensive area rug.  As your wife is bringing you a glass of red wine, she accidentally spills it on the new carpet.  How would you feel inside?  How would you react outwardly?

 In additional to the hypothetical, there were questions like:

 *      Have you ever had a dog?  How do you feel about dogs in general? (Note: I happen to be a dog lover and feel anyone who has never experienced the unconditional love that a dog gives has missed out on the wonderful lessons learned by caring for a dog—dog lover’s will understand this reasoning.)

 *      How important is money?

 *      Are you politically active?

 *      When’s the last time you had sex?  How do you feel about sex outside of marriage.

 Stuff like that!

 We had not yet had an official date and my list of questions was now four pages in length.  One day, John asked me if I would be willing to spend some time with him away from the office.  I asked him what he had in mind.  He said that he thought it would be nice to go to a coffee shop and just talk.  So, I said I would be willing, if he would be willing to subject himself to a 4 page questionnaire.  He said, “Sure!”  So our coffee date was on.

 John was very forthright with how he answered the questions.  I was as interested in how he would react to being asked the questions as I was in how he would answer them.  We both had a delightful time.  He in turn asked me quite a few questions.  This question and answer session was a wonderful way to learn a lot about each other in a very short period of time.  We both enjoyed it tremendously and knew that we would start spending more time together.

 One night after work, we met at a pizza parlor.  During this meeting it was clear that we had developed strong feelings for one another.  I made it clear to him that I did not want to start a physical relationship (on any level) as it would not only cloud my judgment (I wanted to remain totally objective while we were getting to know one another), but also because I had strong convictions regarding any type of sexual intimacy outside of marriage.  He was in total agreement.  As time went on, we spent more and more time together.  I was a brand-new baby Christian and he had been a “Christian” for over 20 years.  He would often read to me from the Bible, provide me with teaching tapes and take me with him to Church.

 Although we had never even kissed I knew this was a man I would want to spend the rest of my life with and I also knew that he would eventually ask me to marry him.  One day, during one of our visits, he told me how much he respected me, loved me and wanted me to be his wife.  That was the day he asked me to marry him.  I said, “yes” and we kissed for the very first time.

 Everything happened so quickly!  I hadn’t really shared any of this with my family or my best friend.  I had always been a very private person and never felt the need to discuss personal matters.  In addition, based on  past experience, I suppose I kept thinking that it would fizzle out.  But, it didn’t.  After the announcement was made, my whole family wanted to meet John.  They couldn’t believe “miss independent” was getting married.  They really couldn’t believe that I agreed to marry him after only 5 months and that I had kept the whole thing a secret.  They were very skeptical.  They were, understandably, very concerned.

 I had my mom over for spaghetti (which John insisted on cooking) and then the “grilling” began.  He past with flying colors.  He was open to any and all questions that my mother had to ask and she was very impressed with him.  I then brought him up to Pine Grove to meet my Grandparents.  They liked him very much and were very happy for me.

 He took me to Hollister to meet his family and friends and that was also a whirlwind experience.

 John asked a pastor in Hollister, whom he knew well, if he would marry us.  He agreed and we met with the pastor on 5 occasions to complete extensive pre-marital counseling.  We were married on September 25^th 1995 at a historical park outside of Hollister.  Deni (my best friend) was my maid of honor and John picked his nephew David to be his best man.  This touched my heart because David was autistic and some family members were worried about him not being able to act appropriately at the wedding.  That didn’t change John’s mind.  He said that it meant more to him to bless David with that honor than to worry about what other people thought.  It was a casual outdoor wedding and we both wanted the guest list to be small; just very close friends and family members.  Of course, being Italian, John had over 45 family members and many close friends.  So, we ended up with a much longer guest list than I had anticipated.  It was a wonderful day and we looked forward with great anticipation to the honeymoon.

Before we were married, we had both agreed to save sexual intimacy for our wedding night and had stayed true to that promise.  We had a 2 day honeymoon in a beautiful ocean view room in Carmel.

 In addition, before we were married, John had also asked me if I would consider quitting my job.  After working 15 years as a single career woman, and being “married” to my job…I was thrilled with the idea of becoming a “full-time” wife and home maker.  I resigned from the County and started getting things ready for the wedding and for our new life together.

During the first year of our marriage we rented a small, one bedroom apartment in San Jose.  I loved my new life.  I loved being a wife.  I loved ironing his shirts.  I loved packing his lunch.  I made sure that everything was done (grocery shopping, laundry, etc.) so that our weekends were free and John could just relax or we could just enjoy the weekend together.

 We talked about everything.  We were not only lovers, but we were best friends.  The one thing that we both promised each other was that we would never divorce for any reason except in the case of adultery.  We both felt strongly that adultery would not only break the wedding vows but also the covenant of marriage and was so heinous that it even destroyed the one flesh union between a man and his wife.

 I will now attempt to make a long story a little shorter.  Many details will be omitted that are not essential to the overall purpose of this story.

 From San Jose, we moved to Gilroy (where we again rented) as John had been transferred to the Gilroy Office and the commute to and from San Jose was killing him.  After approximately a year and a half, we purchased a home in Gustine.  It was a one hour commute to Gilroy, but John felt the sacrifice was well worth the ability that the Gustine real estate market afforded us.  We were able to purchase a 2100 square foot home for one forth the price that it would have cost us in Gilroy.

 During this time, Deni’s mother had died and she had gone through the emotional aspect of losing her mother and the exhausting process of settling her mother’s estate.  Once that process had been completed, she was able to buy her own home in Gustine, as well.  I thank the Lord for giving to me such a faithful and loving best friend.  It was wonderful having her in the same small town.

Gustine’s population was a little over 4,000 and was primarily Portuguese Roman Catholic.  Finding a church home in the area was next to impossible.  With John’s Calvary Chapel background, we ended up attending a Calvary Chapel Church in Modesto (which was a 35 mile drive).  We attended Sunday morning worship services and a Thursday evening Bible Study Fellowship.  After a year or so, we discovered that The First Baptist Church in Newman (which we had checked out a year earlier) had a new pastor.  We desperately wanted to worship in a local church and decided to start attending that church; eventually becoming official members of the church.

 John and I both got very involved in ministry.  I was leading classes as part of the women’s ministry, writing and editing the church newsletter, coordinating women’s events, etc.  John was a leader in the men’s ministry.  It was a church of approximately 200 and we made some close friendships with several of the other married couples in the church.  John sang in the choir, and helped to lead the men’s groups (one which was a class on dealing with sexual temptation).  John didn’t share much about the men’s group discussions; but, I remember well the night he came home and said, “It’s so sad to hear how many of the men struggle with sexual temptation.  I’m so glad I don’t struggle with that problem anymore.”

 We would listen to teaching tapes together almost every night and attend Sunday morning and evening service, as well as mid-week groups.  As vacations, we loved to attend Christian conferences together.  John was truly fulfilling his role as spiritual leader in our marriage.

 Our marriage was going well.  Even with the occasional, normal (and sometimes heated) disagreements about stupid things, I would say that we were probably the happiest married couple I had ever known.  We had fun together.  We actually enjoyed one another’s company.  We were, however, having issues with sexual intimacy.  During the 6^th year of our marriage, we had not been intimate for over 7 months.  I had not lost my desire for John, but John seemed to have lost his desire for me.  When we would discuss it; he assured me that it was probably due to his age and that it was not uncommon for a man’s sex drive to diminish (he was 54 at this time).  He told me that if it continued he was considering seeing a doctor.  At one point, I even told him that if there was something that he needed to tell me, it would be better to tell me now than for me to find out later that he had not been forthright with me.

 He assured me that I was being ridiculous and he seemed genuinely concerned that I not take it personally.  He said that it had nothing to do with me; that he still thought I was a beautiful woman and he loved me dearly.  He asked me to be patient; and, I assured him that I would be.  I asked him if it would be helpful to not discuss it or even think about it for awhile; and he felt that it would be.

 Although, I felt a great deal of concern about this, I choose to simply not worry about it.  What made things easier for me, was that John showed a tremendous amount of non-sexual affection.  He was always putting his arms around me.  He loved to sit real close and watch TV, or snuggle in bed.  In addition, he would tell me all the time how very much he loved me and that he wouldn’t know what to do if I should go before him; that I meant the world to him; and that he loved me with all his heart.  Overall, he was a terrific husband in many ways.  This was the year that (for my birthday) he had written a song; which he sang to me, while he played the tune on his guitar.  I framed the lyrics and hung them on our bedroom wall as a sweet memory of his love and thoughtfulness.  He really was touched that his little gift had meant that much to me.

 As a side note, I want to point out something that was a very profound realization.  Initially (and rightfully so) people had been concerned by my decision to marry John after only knowing him for 5 short months.  This had always concerned me.  However, I could honestly say that even after knowing John for the entire six years that we were married, I would have married him all over again.  Realizing that, made me feel much better about our short courtship.  After 6 years of marriage, I knew him as well as I could have ever known him and still would have wanted to marry him all over again.

 Then on the Thursday before the Memorial Day weekend in 2002, I got a phone call at approximately 10:30 am.  The woman on the other end of the phone said, “Dianna?”  I said, “Yes” and the next phrase sent chills through my entire body.  The phrase that followed (which I will never forget) was, “You don’t know me, but I know you”.

 She informed me that John had been committing adultery with her for the past 3½ years—in some cases on a daily basis.  She lived in Gilroy and he would drop by her apartment most mornings before he went in to work.  He had even invited her into our home twice, cooked her dinner, and committed adultery in our bed while I was in San Jose taking care of my mother after her surgery.  He once took her to his mother’s home in Hollister and to the home we had rented in Gilroy and committed adultery with her in the back yards at those locations.  (There are many levels of infidelity—a “one night stand” for example.  I am only providing these specific details to help illustrate the full extent of his perversion and the level of his marital infidelity)

 He had told her that I was basically an invalid and he couldn’t live with himself if he deserted me when I was so needy.  He also told her that he had to support me as I was incapable of holding a job.  He assured her that he was faithful to her and that he didn’t really love me.  While at my house he allowed her to go through my closet and dresser drawers.  When she discovered the Depends that we kept on hand for John’s 90 year old mother, he informed her that they were mine; that I was incontinent.

 After hanging up the phone, I was actually experiencing physical shock.  I could barely breathe and my entire body felt numb.  I called Deni right away and asked her to please come over as I had something really horrible to share with her.  When she arrived, I recounted the entire conversation.  Although there were things about John that Deni didn’t particularly care for, she truly didn’t believe that John was capable of this level of betrayal and deception.  The stories that this woman had told about the frequency and perversion of their sexual encounters were unbelievable…to both of us.  Deni asked me what I was going to do.  I really didn’t have a plan; I just knew that I would have to confront my husband with all of this.  I called John at work and told him that I had just received a call from this woman.  He said, “I will be right home”  I asked Deni to leave and knew I had at least an hour and a half before he would arrive.  A part of me wished that it wasn’t true, that she was just a “sicko” and had made everything up.  But, she knew too many details about my life, my house, my bedroom and my husband.

 The car finally pulled up into the driveway.  When I confronted him with all of the information that I had gained during my 3 hour conversation with the adulteress, he never tried to deny any of it and in fact he confirmed that all of it was true and than said, “I should have known that she was the type to tell!”

 The physical pain that I was experiencing was so severe that I felt as though someone had reached through my chest, taken a hold of my heart and was attempting to pull it out of my body.  I began crying and yelling and groaning.  We had planned to spend the three day weekend with my grandparents in Pine Grove and instead I was faced with a reality that the man I thought I had been married to for 6 years was not the man I would be spending the next three days facing.

 The unusual thing (and ultimately a blessing because most betrayed spouses never get any closure…they always wonder how and why it happened) was that John allowed me to ask anything I wanted to ask and he was willing to disclose more than I probably needed to know.  The most important thing disclosed as a result of the adultery is that he admitted to me that he had never really repented and he had never really wanted to live for the Lord.  In fact, he told me that for many years and on many occasions he would use Christianity to disarm women into eventually having sexual relations with him.  When I asked him why he choose to pretend for over 25 years to be something that he was not;  why he would choose to exert so much effort to live a life of deception, he answered, “I just liked being around Christian’s…I like the way it makes me feel.”

 I moved in with Deni and asked that he eventually find a new place to live until we could sell the house.

 I had to inform our Pastor and his wife.  I knew that I would be unable to fulfill my obligations to the church (Newsletter, teaching, ministry involvement, etc).  I was in no shape to even tie my own shoes.  I truly felt as though I would die of a broken heart.  I could be walking around in the living room and all of a sudden begin to involuntarily vomit and would barely make it to the kitchen sink.  I couldn’t shake the idea that the man I had been married to for over 6 years never really existed.  His faith was a lie.  His devotion was a lie.  His love was a lie.  His friendship was a lie.  Basically everything he portrayed himself to be...was a lie.

 I remember saying that I would have rather been raped and beaten to near death by someone I didn’t know than to feel the pain that I was feeling.  I don’t know (now) if that is true, but that was the way I felt then.  I suppose being hurt by someone you have never known might be easier to recover from then being betrayed at this level by someone that you loved, trusted and had given your heart to.

 John told his friends immediately (the men in leadership) what had happened and they offered to meet with him weekly to pray and counsel him.  He assured them that he would cut it off with the other woman and told them he would do whatever it took to save his marriage.  They faithfully met with him once a week for an entire year.  There was no potential in my mind for reconciliation, but that was the last thing on my mind.  I was barely even able to function.  I was unable to actually believe that someone could live the lie that John had been living for most of his life.

 During the year that followed, I stayed with Deni and John bought a mobile home in a park in Gustine.  I attempted to sell the house, but was having no takers.  At the end of that year, he moved back into the house and I agreed to help him get the house ready to sell.  One morning, I went over to the house after John had left for work to begin clearing out the garage.  I walked in the back door and the phone was ringing.  I answered it.  (Keep in mind an entire year had passed since all of this was exposed and John had been meeting with the men from the church once a week for prayer and counsel) One the other end of the phone…was the adulteress.  Apparently, they had had an argument the night before and she was calling to see if he had left for work and to see if he was still mad at her.  She informed me that they had been seeing each other during the entire year that the men from the church had been meeting with John to pray for reconciliation and to help encourage him in his walk.

 After John was made aware of this conversation (I presume that she told him), he called the men and confessed it to them.  They immediately broke off fellowship with him.  I informed him that I would no longer be willing to help him with the house and that he was on his own.  He understood.

 So much more could be said about the way in which the church handled this entire situation, but I will leave that for another time.  To give you just a flavor: I was accused of “stone-walling” the Pastor (by the Pastor’s wife) when I declined to meet with him for counseling; and of being a “lone-ranger” Christian when I requested that the ladies not contact me until I felt the need to reach out.  In addition to that, the Pastor and the men kept encouraging John to return to church as though nothing had ever happened.

 During the first year, I basically turned to the Lord.  There were many times when I felt that I would either die of a broken heart or end up with a mental breakdown in a “psych” ward of some hospital.  Neither happened.

 I was driven by this pain into a deeper and closer relationship with the Lord than I had ever experienced.  All I had the strength to do was to read His Word, and anything else I could get my hands on that would speak of God’s grace.  The Lord used this time to introduce me to the “doctrines of grace” and the great saints of the past.  I grew more in my faith in one year than I had in the previous six years combined.  By the end of the second year I could honestly say, that I would never want what happened to have not happened if it would mean that I would have to forfeit where the Lord had brought me because of it.

 I realize now that this experience does not even come close to the level of pain and suffering that some people experience in life, but it was the most painful thing that I had ever experienced and through the heart break and pain I was able to experience, first hand and for the first time, that Christ is truly sufficient.

 John and I continued to correspond via email over the next 5 years and he continued to tell me that he loved me and that he had truly surrendered to the Lord Jesus Christ.  To this day, I pray that John has been saved by the grace of God and that his professed conversion is genuine.

 While I was John’s wife, my focus was first on serving him.  I am thankful now that I am free to serve the Lord more fully.

 People have asked me if I have forgiven John.  I can honestly say that I have.  Some of those same people tell me that if I had truly forgiven John that I would have wanted to be reconciled to him in marriage.  Forgiveness is an inward reality.  The best analogy I can use to illustrate this is as follows:  If you entrust your finances  into the hands of a brother and he squanders it all away at the poker table; all the while telling you that it has been safely and wisely invested; I believe you are called to forgive him once the truth be known.  However, I don’t believe that this forgiveness needs to affirmed by entrusting him, once again, to take care of your finances.

 Thought in 2002

 I realize that there are differing points of view regarding divorce and remarriage held by great men of God, i.e., John Piper, John MacArthur, R.C. Sproul, etc.  Some teach that divorce (in this situation) would be biblically allowed, but not remarriage; some teach that divorce would be allowed and that I would be free to remarry;  and others, that divorce is not an option under any circumstances; and on and on it goes.  To be honest with you, I would welcome the ability to turn to one official church authority when trying to determine the action that would be acceptable to the Lord.  At least then, God would hold them accountable instead of me if the action I ultimately took was wrong.  However, in this case, I wouldn’t know which authority to turn to, as I respect them equally, yet they have differing views on this matter.

 Without a clear position by the men of God, whom I respect; I am ultimately left to the dictates of my conscience through the study of God’s Word, prayer and being yielded to the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  While contemplating this, I thought of a scene from the movie Luther and played with the dialogue to fit this situation:  It rather amused me and I share it now with the hope that you might find it amusing, as well.  (Of course, only those readers who are familiar with Luther’s great speech at the Diet of Worms will find the following amusing):

 “Dianna, we would like a simple answer.  Will you, or will you not divorce?”

 “Very well, you ask for a simple answer.  Well here it is.  Unless I am convinced by scripture and not by Pipers, or MacArthurs, or Sprouls who have contradicted each other (at least on this issue).  Unless I am so convinced that I am wrong, my beliefs are bound by the text of the Bible.  My conscience is held captive to the Word of God.  To go against conscience is neither right nor safe.  Therefore, I should not?—or is it I absolutely can not divorce?    Where the heck should I stand!   God Help me.  Amen!”

 Please forgive the sarcasms.  I highly respect these men.  It is just sad that even they can’t agree with one another on what the Bible teaches regarding divorce and remarriage.

 Update 12/2006:

 After almost five years of separation, John finally filed for divorce in May of 2006, and our divorce was final on December 10, 2006.  Actually, at this time, my conscience is clear regarding my divorce.  In regard to remarriage, I still have not arrived at a point where a feel I am clear on God’s will.  Frankly, it is not that important to me, as I have no real desire to marry again and I am thankful to be free to serve Him without the added responsibilities marriage brings.

 I will see where the Lord leads.  I am so thankful that the Lord provided me with a faithful, loving, Christ centered, friend (Deni) and that He used her in a mighty way to help me through this difficult time.  She was such a patient and loving Christian sister throughout the entire process.  Just knowing that she was there and that she loved me was a blessing beyond measure.  I feel incredibly blessed just knowing that no matter what future pain and suffering might touch my life in the years to come, that Christ is indeed sufficient; God is indeed Sovereign!

 Update:  I later learned that, shortly after our divorce was finalized in 2006, John married one of the women he had been committing adultery with during our marriage, and filed for divorce from that wife in December of 2008.

 I want to encourage anyone reading this to place their trust fully in the Lord Jesus Christ; to truly embrace His all sufficient grace; and when faced with pain or suffering to meditate and trust in the Holy Spirit inspired words of the Apostle Paul, “we rejoice in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance, character, and character hope.  And hope does not disappoint.  For the love of God has been poured into our hearts by the Holy spirit, who was given to us.”

 When Christ is truly your all-in-all you can do nothing but rejoice…for even through the tears of a broken heart; you see the greatness of the glory of the grace of God in Jesus Christ our Lord.

 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.