Part Three: Surprised by God! (2006-2010)

 

I found myself single at the age of 41. 

 At the age of 41, I was content in my singleness (for details see “Part Two: Post Conversion Story”) and found my joy and happiness primarily in Christ and secondarily in my relationships with others who are dear to me.  I had no children from my first marriage and for that I am grateful.

 I worked full-time in law enforcement (civilian service) and I spent most of my free time reading and writing and serving the Lord where I was able.

 Within the first three years of finding myself single, I had amassed a theology library of over 3,000 books.  I found little comfort, wisdom our growth from local pulpits; but, an amazingly rich, Christ centered, Christ exalting treasure chest within the words spoken or penned by those who have long sense gone to be with the Lord.  I affectionately called them, “My Dead Men”.  In fact, I grew closer to the Lord, during that time and my knowledge and affections for God and His truth grew more in one year of suffering, than in the previous 6+ years of being married and attending church faithfully.  In fact, I would have never wanted what had happened to have not happened, if that would mean I would have to give up where God had brought me because of it.

 In addition to reading, I found terrific resources online and spent a great deal of my free time in devotion and in studying God’s Word using those resources.  I also discovered the world of “theology blogs” and eventually learned how to create my own.  I used my blog as a personal journal—not only as a place to store Christ exalting excerpts from my readings; but, also to document my walk with the Lord; and, as a place to write personal commentary.

 As a single Christian woman, without children, I was blessed with a considerable amount of free time after coming home from work.  It was difficult to find other women who had time to spend in meaningful fellowship.  Their lives were filled up with their families (and rightfully so).  I was hungry to find other Christians who had both the desire and the time to fellowship around the things of God.  I found these Christians on some wonderfully edifying theology websites and blogs.  These “relationships” became like “pen-pals” before there was technology.

 Most of the website authors and visitors to these blogs were young seminary students, arm-chair theologians, and pastors.  What a wonderful time this was—dialoguing with Christians from all over the world who loved the Lord and the things of God.  One of the blogs that I visited regularly hosted a “Puritan Challenge”, where over 3,000 of us were reading together, for an entire year, 12 difficult Puritan classics (one each month) and then sharing our comments and insights with one another via the blog.

 The internet was a foreign world to me, initially, and I was concerned about the potential danger of internet profiling and identity theft.  Being a single female, I was not comfortable using my full name.  So, I choose my initials intentionally because I wanted to retain a certain amount of anonymity. Therefore, I become known only as “D.L. Kane” on these websites and blogs.

 I enjoyed being provoked into deeper thought and study.  The level of knowledge and insight on these blogs was effective in that way.  I also found the environment very conducive to my straightforward style of writing.  Then it happened!   After two years (or so) of dialoging, on one particular blog, one of the young men posted a comment directing people to my comment and ending with “thank you brother for that insight”.

 “Brother!”  I sat there rather stunned and then I felt sad.  They all knew me as “D.L.” and things seemed to be working out just fine. In all the years -- the issue of gender had never come up.  I knew that I had to set the record straight.  There was a part of me, however, that seemed to know that when I did, things would change.

 I emailed the young pastor privately and explained that I was not his brother; but his sister, and that I was actually old enough to be his mother.  He was a good sport about it and apologized for assuming that I was a guy.  I reasoned that if he assumed that I was a “brother” the other brothers may have the same assumption, so I decided to “come out of the closet” so to speak.

 Things did change from that point forward—which I had anticipated, and, which I totally understood.  I joke about it now saying “I was the Yentle of the Internet”.   Of course, you would have had to see the movie “Yentle”, in order to get the analogy.

 I must admit that during that time I experienced a level of fellowship that was very edifying and wonderful; but, things had changedin terms of the way they dialogued with me now that they knew I was female and I knew that wisdom would dictate that I find a place to fellowship with women who had an interest in theology and the time to devote to such things.

 That is what led me to the Sovereign Grace Singles (SGS) website.  I reasoned that a website for “reformed” single people might be a place where I would find single women who had time and interest in discussing theology and the Word of God.    On November 15, 2008, I filled out a profile and was online with SGS.

 There was a place on the profile to indicate why you were there, i.e., looking for fellowship; wanting to join a forum; looking for a spouse, etc.  I made my profile “crystal clear” and was intentionally forthright about who I was and why I was there.  After reading some of the men’s profiles, my primary motivation was to spare single men from misunderstanding my intentions for being on the website and to let women know that I was not one they might want to dialogue with if they were overly sensitive, i.e., got their feelings hurt easily.  I had been down that road too many times and found it extremely frustrating and time consuming to have to “flower over” or soften my words every time I had a different point of view.

 **** The Following is an excerpt from my profile.  Looking back, it is somewhat embarrassing but, it is what it is, and it is who I was when I wrote it.  *********************

 “Indicate some of your character traits, values, etc” was a question to be answered as part of the profile.  The following was my answer:

 I have taken many "temperament", "spiritual gifts", and "personality" tests. Such tests always label the results with titles or categories to identify your dominate temperament or personality type. Here are the labels (as unattractive as they are in a woman) I was labeled with:

 

·       Steam Roller

·       Commander

·       Drill Sergeant

·       Prophet/Teacher

 

All tests indicate that my decisions are primarily dictated by "reason" not "feelings". I am a "realists" not an "idealist". I am a "thinker" not a "feeler".

A Steam Roller and a Drill Sergeant!  Ouch!!!

 Let us not forget that we are all different parts of the body of Christ and therefore have a diversity of gifts that when used with a heart yielded to God’s Holy Spirit and with a genuine desire to bring Glory to God; to strengthen believers; and to usher souls into the Kingdom, He uses all of us for His purposes (even female Steam Rollers and Drill Sergeants!)

 A Steam Roller can either be used to flatten everything in its path or to prepare a parcel of land to safely support a sky scrapper that will house thousands of people.

 A Drill Sergeant can either be used to “break” people or to prepare them for battle so that they stand a better chance of surviving enemy attack.

 A Prophet/Teacher can be used to create cults that destroy people’s souls or can be used to proclaim the Word of God and to help those in the body understand it so that they can grow as a result and be better ambassadors of Christ.

 I pray that God will always use me for His purpose and that I never despise how he chose to make me or the gifts that He has given me, and that I never question His wisdom in giving them to me. In my heart I have no desire to flatten anyone; to break anyone; or to create followers of “me”.

 Through the transforming power of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God, my rough edges will get sanded down over time; however, at this point in my life, this is who I am, and I want my friends to see me for who I am and make a conscience decision as to whether or not I would be of value to them in their lives.

 If you are looking for comfort, it would probably be best to look elsewhere, as I am not very good at being a "comforter".  I will probably end up hurting your feelings, without even trying to, because of my style of communication.

 In addition, I am transparent and don't mind being dissected by anyone who wants to get to know me. I don't bandage tumors, I dig them out. I don't tell people what they want to hear, I tell people what I feel they need to hear if it will help them, and I want the same from others. I care more about a person’s soul than their temporal comfort. I will help you build a house, but if you smash your finger with the hammer, I am not the one to come crying to. I will probably tell you, "Gee, I'm sorry--now "cowboy up" and get back to work".

 Not a pretty picture; but I want anyone interested in dialoguing with me to know this about me. Don't ask me a question if you are seeking comfort rather than honesty.  I am a woman, but find it difficult to relate to most women. In all honesty, although I love them; most women drive me nuts.  My heart is driven by a desire to defend the truth; to proclaim the beauty of Christ with honor, integrity, and courage; to live a life that will bring Glory to God and shine His light on a lost and dying world.

 

“What is one thing you are passionate about?  My answer:

 TRUTH.

 To lighten things up a bit:  I want the truth!  No matter how hard it is to swallow; no matter how ugly and painful it might be. I have found no benefit in living in a false reality. If I ask you if these pants make my butt look big (and they indeed do) I want you to say, "Yes, dear, those pants make your butt look big". Even better still--"Actually honey, the pants don't make your butt look big--the truth is your butt is big." Of course, that would only apply if I indeed had a big butt.  That is the kind of communication I can respect and that I desire from those who say that they love me. That is a person I can trust!

 ========================================================================

That was how my profile read on the website.

All-in-all, my intention for joining SGS did not result in finding what I was hoping to find.  I found no women on the website interested in theological dialogue.  In fact, not a single woman commented.

 Some men, after reading my profile, felt compelled to leave comments.  There were those scolding me for my forthrightness and expressing how inappropriate they felt it was for a Christian woman to express herself the way in which I did.  Other men left (what I felt were) inappropriate comments expressing an interest in me, such as: “You can be my drill sergeant anytime.”

 Then, just as I was planning on deleting my profile and leaving the website, a man left this comment:

  “I just have one question. Do you always beat around the bush when first introducing yourself?”

 Now that was funny!  The timing was perfect.  Here I was relatively disappointed that I had spent so much time typing up a profile that took hours, only to discover that I was not going to find what I was looking for and then this comment pops up.  My immediate reaction was, “Now that’s someone I might enjoy getting to know.”

 I did leave SGS; but, before doing so, I commented back and eventually gave this man my personal email and told him to feel free to email me should he be interested in discussing theology.

 And that is how it all began.  I later found out that one of his Pastors, knowing that Michael was looking for a wife, had encouraged him to check out SGS and it turned out that he created an account during my last week on that website.

 That was November 17, 2008.  Michael and I began corresponding through emails for nine months.  In those nine months, it became clear to me that the Lord was doing something very wonderful in bringing the two of us together.  As much as I was not looking or praying for a husband, it also became clear to me that God may have different plans.

 In a nutshell:  Over a course of a year and a half, we had spent less than 28 days in each other’s physical presence before we married.  During that year and a half, we would read books over the phone each night together like “Religious Affections” by Jonathan Edwards, “The Privy Key to Heaven” by Thomas Brooks; and, exchanged well over 6,000 printed pages of emails discussing theology, life experiences, expectations, values, etc.

 During that same time, we met face-to-face in August 2009 when he flew to California from North Carolina to meet my people.  In October 2009, I flew to North Carolina to meet his people.  In January 2010, Michael flew back to California when he proposed to me, and we made plans to be married.

 All-in-all, only 28 days total before, I flew to North Carolina on May 17, 2010.  The very next day, May 18, 2010, we were married in the Assistant Living Facility where is Grandma was living.

 It was to be a private ceremony with just the Pastor, his wife, Michael’s mom, grandma, and siblings.  Unbeknownst to us, the activity director had converted the dining room into a wedding chapel with a floral archway, wedding cake, flowers everywhere.  Even the residents were all dressed up sitting in the chairs on either side of the aisle where I was to enter, when we arrived.  She had also arranged for the ladies that Michael had been ministering to at the other facilities (where he preached each week) to be bused in to attend the wedding and say their farewells to Michael!

 We spent our Honeymoon driving back across the United States (over 3,000 miles) in his 1995 Honda Accord, to arrive at our little apartment in Sacramento California.  We were able to break up the trip to have lunch with Sam and Annie Storms and to visit my grandpa in Oklahoma.  How we got to know Sam, is another sweet chapter in our courtship experience.

 Each episode of our courtship would require its own chapter and I hope, one day, to have the chance to express, in writing, the way in which God manifested His will in each of those chapters.  Until then, this small chapter will have to suffice for those who are curious and have wanted to know “How we met”.

 I did begin writing a chapter on “The Wandering Jew” which details Michael’s first trip to meet me face-to-face in Califronia.  I will include it now as a draft:

  The Story of a Wandering Jew

A Precious Little Gift

 Very Rough Draft and Outline

 It was late July 2009, when he stepped off the plane.  She had arrived at the airport 2 hours before his plane would land and spent the time pacing the many corridors of the different terminals, trying to keep from checking the time to often, as she knew that would only make the time go by even slower.  She decided to get a cup of coffee and read 2 Corinthians even though she knew that her ability to concentrate on the text would be limited if not a complete impossibility.

 As she opened the bible, her eyes fell upon 2 Corinthians 4:6 and she read, “For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”  Although she had read this passage many times, today was different.  As she sat there awaiting his arrival, she decided to memorize this passage and to share it with him once he landed.

 As she sat there meditating on the passage and reciting it in her mind over and over, she noticed that her coffee was gone.  She didn’t even remember drinking it and yet the cup was empty.  A woman walked passed the table and paused for a moment to check for something in her purse.  “Excuse Miss—do you happen to know what time it is?” she asked the passerby.

 An hour and a half had gone by sense she had sat down to drink her coffee and read.  His plane would be landing in 15 minutes.

 She gathered up her things and headed for the nearest restroom to check her face and hair.  Even though she was very much against being judged by her external beauty, today she felt a certain amount of anxiety about what he might think of her physical appearance.

 They had never met face-to-face.  She was to pick him up at the airport and give him a ride to a hotel where he would be spending the night.  He would then spend the rest of the week with his uncle in a town that was a 2 hour drive from the airport and she would spend the rest of the week at work.  They had that afternoon and evening to spend together before he would be leaving the next day.

 She was filled with such a mixture of emotions.  He mentioned that he would be wearing a red polo shirt and she knew that he would be carrying a black sports bag with the logo from a conference she had attended in the fall of the previous year.  There he was.  His red shirt stood out among the sea of washed out grays and blacks and tans that surrounded him on the escalator.  Her heart was pounding.

 Although they had exchanged pictures of one another; she wasn’t sure if she would have recognized him had he not been wearing that red shirt.

 She was studying his face while the escalator descended wondering when their eyes would meet--wondering if he would smile when he recognized her standing there.  He glanced up and fixed a steady gaze upon her.  There was a smile—a soft, kind, and yet reserved smile that left her feeling somewhat unsure about how he felt.

 She met him a few feet from the foot of the escalator and they embraced.  It seems as though the world had stood still as they held each other tight.  They walked hand-in-hand to the baggage claim looking at one another more often then to where they were headed, as if studying each others faces—trying to take in more information than humanly possible.  This was no casual meeting.  This was a long anticipated experience.

 His suitcase finally appeared on the conveyor belt and they walked together to the car, constantly glancing over at one another.

 Once in the hotel room, he unpacked a few things and then turned to her and said, “Oh, I almost forgot—I brought you something, but I’m not sure how it survived the trip.”  He pulled a zip-lock bag from his carry-on and handed it to her.  It was a cutting from a plant that had grown on the porch of his grandmother’s house.  He had told her the story of this plant, how it had almost died and that a new plant had grown from a cutting like the one he was giving to her.

 “What a strange and wonderful thing to do and what a strange and wonderful man he is” she thought as she thanked him for the little cutting.  He pointed out that the plant inside had a good root system and even a clump of dirt from the pot he had taken it from; but the zip-lock bag was warm and the cutting looked very pale; almost gray in color and transparent.  She knew that she had better get this little guy into some soil fast, if it was going to have any chance at all of surviving.

 He was exhausted.  Not just from the 10 hour flight; but, also from lack of sleep and the emotional exhilaration and anticipation of meeting this woman, whom he had been corresponding with over the past 8 months.

 They knew that they would be seeing each other again in four short days.  His uncle was picking him up in the morning and she would be joining him there after the work week was over.  But, still they didn’t want to part.

She lived only 10 minutes from the hotel.  Glancing down at the zip-lock bag and then looking into his tired eyes, she said, “How about if I zip home, get this little guy into some soil, and then pick up something for the two of us to eat.  I can be back in about an hour?”

 Although he didn’t want her to leave, he agreed to the plan.